Thursday, March 26, 2015

Thoughts, Ramblings, and Things that I Like


I am nearing 40.
I am not sure where I fit in this life.
I am lonely much of the time.
I am so socially inept.
I am loved by the God who created me and purposed this life for me.
I am chosen and beloved.
I am not an afterthought or a nuissance.
I am valuable.
I am beautiful.
I am thoughtful.
I am defensive.
I am an aunt to 4 amazing little people.
I get to see two of my little people often.
I don't get to see the other two enough.
I am smart.
I am resourceful.
I am afraid.
I am uncomfortable.
I am insecure.
I am longing for something.
I am running from something else.
I am saddened by the break down of family.
I am mourning the loss of my dreams.
I am dreaming new dreams.
I am wandering wherever the wind takes me.
I am trying to follow the Lord.
I am a reader.
I am a writer.
I am a terrible eater.
I am a sinner.
I am forgiven.
I am calmed and soothed by music.
I am a pesimist.
I am an introvert.
I work in a world of extroverts.
I love the ocean.
I love the mountains.
I love California.
I want to see a new place.


So....this quickly approaching birthday marks my entry into a new decade. 40. Wow! When did that happen? So much life. So much love. So much pain. So much to see and hear and taste and touch and smell. All these years and where are they all pointing to? To that final moment when I breathe my last and see the face of Jesus. The face of the one that I will have spent a lifetime longing to see. The face of the ONE who is love, who gives love, who loves without condition. I long for that day....yet I dread that day.
I have been struggling lately with some health issues (darn girl problems) and these issues are ones that are so intimate and personal that I am somewhat overwhelmed with the immensity of them. They probably are not all that immense but in my mind and as they affect my life, they are huge. Who do I talk to about them? There isn't a Mr. Bethany. There isn't a little Bethany. There isn't a sister Bethany. There isn't even a BFF Bethany. There is just me....Bethany. At least in the physical and mortal sense.
I know what my mentor would say. "Tell Jesus" and I do....but Jesus is not sitting here with me sipping a Starbucks or handing me a tissue or putting his hand on my back and patting away my fears. He is not physically in the room when I am laying on a table being poked and prodded. He is not sitting in the chair when the doctor delivers the news that further tests are needed and beneficial. He is here but it feels like he is not here.

Kara Tippetts just died. I could say that Kara just went to be with the Lord and she did and I mean her memory no disrespect. She was a beautiful woman with an enormous heart. She was a woman who loved Jesus with every fading breath. And now her earthly breath has ceased. Her husband Jason is left behind as are her four adorable children. She faced the daunting prospect of disease and ill health. She was poked and prodded. She sat on a doctors table and was given horrible news. I am not on the same page as Kara. I have not received a cancer diagnosis. I have not received a diagnosis at all but the fear that haunts is that I will. That I could. We all could at some point in life.
I don't want to be a pesimist. I want to be an optimist. But I also want to be a realist. No Pollyanna here to distract me from the reality of life. Oh but there are times when being Pollyanna is so enticing. Let's just not deal with the reality, lets just look at the good in everything. Ughhhh......why is it so hard. On one hand we are told to be optimistic, to count our gifts, to be grateful and thankful and mindful of the Lord working on our behalf. Then we are also told to be real and honest and open and vulnerable.
When I am then I am told that its a pity what is it? Be open and honest with the measure of pessimism that will naturally occur for this melancholy person or close my eyes to the hurt and pain and fear?
I don't know.

Things that I Like

I like cats.
I like children.
I like hot chocolate.
I like socks.
I like the colors blue, black and gray.
I like reading.
I like writing.
I like country music.
I like christian music.
I like rock music.
I like dancing.
I like singing.
I like the ocean.
I like snow.
I like flowers.
I like chai tea lattes.
I like bagels.
I like talking with others.
I like sweet smelling candles.
I like good curly hair product.
I like my job.
I like my car.
I like pajamas.
I like slippers.
I like cotton lingerie.
I like movies from the 80's and 90's.
I like perfume.
I like all things English.
I like waking up early.
I like going to bed early.
I like the spring and fall.
I like Christmas.
I like sweet memories.

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