I wish that I had some great idea for a new post but I just don't....this is mostly just a means to get my thoughts out.
Life has been a bit difficult lately. Family drama, relationships, and uncertainty about my future are taxing my strength, energy, patience, and joy. My emotions fluctuate between overdrive and turned off completley. Why is it that when life gets difficult, I either cleave to God more or run away from Him??? This season that I am in is marked by a running away from the Lord. Don't get me wrong...I've not lost my faith but I've just not turned to Him in complete surrender. I keep trying to run the other direction. In any direction that will give me some sense of purpose, comfort, relief, and meaning...but in the end it is those things that cause me disappoint over and over. Surrendering completely is so hard for me to do.
What exactly does total and complete surrender look like?
For me, at this stage in the game...it is dying to myself, giving up my agenda, my plans, my desires, and submitting to the mighty hand of God.
I have fears though...fear that God's hand in my life right now will hurt in some way...Fear that due to my sin, his hand will be a hand of discipline...Lord knows that I've missed the mark oh so many times and in so many ways....I just keep falling short....
But, our God is a God of second, third, and fourth chances and I'm not unreachable. Nor is he harsh or a tyrant...He is a loving God and He does desire to see me bloom in every way that He has made me to.
I need to reach out to Him....and trust his hand. Whether it be a hand of discipline or a hand of tenderness.
Lord, help me to submit to you.... I need you.....I can't do this like this much longer...I don't want to continually fall into the pit of doing my own thing Lord, I want to bring you glory and want to die to myself. I need you in a way that I've never before...come Lord Jesus and save me from myself! I submit to you today Father...to your hand in whatever fashion that you need to touch me with...I fear discipline but I choose tonight to trust you, even in discipline. Help me to understand how you love me through your discipline...remind me that your desire is not to bring me pain...you have no malicious intent, only love!