I wish that I had some great idea for a new post but I just don't....this is mostly just a means to get my thoughts out.
Life has been a bit difficult lately. Family drama, relationships, and uncertainty about my future are taxing my strength, energy, patience, and joy. My emotions fluctuate between overdrive and turned off completley. Why is it that when life gets difficult, I either cleave to God more or run away from Him??? This season that I am in is marked by a running away from the Lord. Don't get me wrong...I've not lost my faith but I've just not turned to Him in complete surrender. I keep trying to run the other direction. In any direction that will give me some sense of purpose, comfort, relief, and meaning...but in the end it is those things that cause me disappoint over and over. Surrendering completely is so hard for me to do.
What exactly does total and complete surrender look like?
For me, at this stage in the game...it is dying to myself, giving up my agenda, my plans, my desires, and submitting to the mighty hand of God.
I have fears though...fear that God's hand in my life right now will hurt in some way...Fear that due to my sin, his hand will be a hand of discipline...Lord knows that I've missed the mark oh so many times and in so many ways....I just keep falling short....
But, our God is a God of second, third, and fourth chances and I'm not unreachable. Nor is he harsh or a tyrant...He is a loving God and He does desire to see me bloom in every way that He has made me to.
I need to reach out to Him....and trust his hand. Whether it be a hand of discipline or a hand of tenderness.
Lord, help me to submit to you.... I need you.....I can't do this like this much longer...I don't want to continually fall into the pit of doing my own thing Lord, I want to bring you glory and want to die to myself. I need you in a way that I've never before...come Lord Jesus and save me from myself! I submit to you today Father...to your hand in whatever fashion that you need to touch me with...I fear discipline but I choose tonight to trust you, even in discipline. Help me to understand how you love me through your discipline...remind me that your desire is not to bring me pain...you have no malicious intent, only love!
Sunday, September 20, 2009
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Disturb me Lord
Disturb us, Lord, when
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
~Sir Francis Drake
We are too well pleased with ourselves,
When our dreams have come true
Because we have dreamed too little,
When we arrived safely
Because we sailed too close to the shore.
Disturb us, Lord, when
With the abundance of things we possess
We have lost our thirst
For the waters of life;
Having fallen in love with life,
We have ceased to dream of eternity
And in our efforts to build a new earth,
We have allowed our vision
Of the new Heaven to dim.
Disturb us, Lord, to dare more boldly,
To venture on wider seas
Where storms will show your mastery;
Where losing sight of land,
We shall find the stars.
We ask You to push back
The horizons of our hopes;
And to push into the future
In strength, courage, hope, and love.
~Sir Francis Drake
Saturday, September 5, 2009
Undressing the Dragon: Lessons from Narnia
This passage from The Voyage of the Dawn Treader (Chronicles of Narnia) was used to teach at church Tuesday night. It hit me so hard and I've been contemplating it all week. Now that the weekend is here I have time to fully reflect on what I learned, document it for future reference, and share it with you all.
The back story leading up to this passage is that this boy, Eustace, is changed into a dragon and has a ring around his ankle that is hurting him terribly. He sees a pool of water and seeks relief there. So this is where the story picks up:
"So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden-trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it was a well. I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells-like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not."
"I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snakey sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that is what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and the scales started coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe."
"But just as I was going to put my foot into the water I looked down and saw that it was all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as it had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means that I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe."
"Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, however many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew that it had been no good."
"Then the lion said-but I don't know if it spoke-You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay down flat on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off; it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know-if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place it hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."
"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.
"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off-just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt-and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly looking than the others had been. And there was I as soft and smooth as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me-I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on-and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phony if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them. After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me-"
"Dressed you. With his paws?"
"Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes-the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. "
(The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis. Pg 88-91)
I just love how in this passage Eustace learns that he must undress the ugliness of his top layers in order to feel true relief and freedom from the dragon in his life. But as we all know, our efforts and attempts to peel off the ugly only results in more ugliness found underneath. It is only when Eustace allows the lion (The Lion of Judah) to undress him completely and with a measure of pain that he is fully free from the ugliness of what is keeping him from being free of the dragon. I like how C.S. Lewis wrote that the only way Eustace could bear the pain of Aslan removing the skin was the pleasure of feeling the stuff peeled away. Praise you Father that there is pleasure when the layers of the onion, or in this case the skin of the dragon, are peeled away! Help me to endure the pain that accompanies the pulling away of the ugly and painful things! Bless me with the pleasure of it being gone once and for all!
The back story leading up to this passage is that this boy, Eustace, is changed into a dragon and has a ring around his ankle that is hurting him terribly. He sees a pool of water and seeks relief there. So this is where the story picks up:
"So at last we came to the top of a mountain I'd never seen before and on the top of this mountain there was a garden-trees and fruit and everything. In the middle of it was a well. I knew it was a well because you could see the water bubbling up from the bottom of it: but it was a lot bigger than most wells-like a very big, round bath with marble steps going down into it. The water was as clear as anything and I thought if I could get in there and bathe it would ease the pain in my leg. But the lion told me I must undress first. Mind you, I don't know if he said any words out loud or not."
"I was just going to say that I couldn't undress because I hadn't any clothes on when I suddenly thought that dragons are snakey sort of things and snakes can cast their skins. Oh, of course, thought I, that is what the lion means. So I started scratching myself and the scales started coming off all over the place. And then I scratched a little deeper and, instead of just scales coming off here and there, my whole skin started peeling off beautifully, like it does after an illness, or as if I was a banana. In a minute or two I just stepped out of it. I could see it lying there beside me, looking rather nasty. It was a most lovely feeling. So I started to go down into the well for my bathe."
"But just as I was going to put my foot into the water I looked down and saw that it was all hard and rough and wrinkled and scaly just as it had been before. Oh, that's all right, said I, it only means that I had another smaller suit on underneath the first one, and I'll have to get out of it too. So I scratched and tore again and this underskin peeled off beautifully and out I stepped and left it lying beside the other one and went down to the well for my bathe."
"Well, exactly the same thing happened again. And I thought to myself, oh dear, however many skins have I got to take off? For I was longing to bathe my leg. So I scratched away for the third time and got off a third skin, just like the two others, and stepped out of it. But as soon as I looked at myself in the water I knew that it had been no good."
"Then the lion said-but I don't know if it spoke-You will have to let me undress you. I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay down flat on my back and let him do it. The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off; it hurt worse than anything I've ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know-if you've ever picked the scab of a sore place it hurts like billy-oh but it is such fun to see it coming away."
"I know exactly what you mean," said Edmund.
"Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off-just as I thought I'd done it myself the other three times, only they hadn't hurt-and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly looking than the others had been. And there was I as soft and smooth as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me-I didn't like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I'd no skin on-and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I'd turned into a boy again. You'd think me simply phony if I told you how I felt about my own arms. I know they've no muscle and are pretty mouldy compared with Caspian's, but I was so glad to see them. After a bit the lion took me out and dressed me-"
"Dressed you. With his paws?"
"Well, I don't exactly remember that bit. But he did somehow or other: in new clothes-the same I've got on now, as a matter of fact. And then suddenly I was back here. "
(The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis. Pg 88-91)
I just love how in this passage Eustace learns that he must undress the ugliness of his top layers in order to feel true relief and freedom from the dragon in his life. But as we all know, our efforts and attempts to peel off the ugly only results in more ugliness found underneath. It is only when Eustace allows the lion (The Lion of Judah) to undress him completely and with a measure of pain that he is fully free from the ugliness of what is keeping him from being free of the dragon. I like how C.S. Lewis wrote that the only way Eustace could bear the pain of Aslan removing the skin was the pleasure of feeling the stuff peeled away. Praise you Father that there is pleasure when the layers of the onion, or in this case the skin of the dragon, are peeled away! Help me to endure the pain that accompanies the pulling away of the ugly and painful things! Bless me with the pleasure of it being gone once and for all!
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Dollar Deal!
Hi Ladies!
Hope that you are having a fabulous Saturday. I am enjoying playing around on the computer, updating the blog (do you like my new look??...fun!), checking emails, reading posts on facebook, and whatnot! I am supposed to be cleaning my house but luckily, it is not too bad this week. I tried to keep up on it during the week and must say that I did a pretty good job. The kitchen is cleaned, all clean clothes from last weeks laundry are on the bed in the guest room ready to be put away (that is the part that I despise the most...I'll wash and wash for days...I'll even iron first! I just really don't like putting the clothes away!!!!), and the carpets will soon get a vacuuming but other than that....it's all good!
So, I have to share this next little bit of information with you....it was quite fun!
Yesterday afternoon while shopping in Marshall's for a lingerie/bridal shower gift for Nicole I came across these pants..
Can you guess how much they cost me???!!!! You'll never believe me....they were only $1.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How is that possible???? I personally think that they were marked wrong. They are cute...no holes...not a mark anywhere! And only a dollar! They are like 5 inches too long...but what else is new?!?!....I have a small pile of pants that I need to get into the seamstress that will be perfect for this fall/winter (if they fit still....aughhhh, I gained a bit of weight during my relaxing summer...think I relaxed a bit too much!). I was so excited....just had to share my joy with you!
Here is another picture of the pants....
I like the buttons down both sides. Reminds me of a pair of pants my grandma had in the 40's or 50's....Actually, I think that I have a picture of her in them :) Need to pull it out today and compare.
Just had to prove to you that they really were only a dollar! SEE!
Hope that you are having a fabulous Saturday. I am enjoying playing around on the computer, updating the blog (do you like my new look??...fun!), checking emails, reading posts on facebook, and whatnot! I am supposed to be cleaning my house but luckily, it is not too bad this week. I tried to keep up on it during the week and must say that I did a pretty good job. The kitchen is cleaned, all clean clothes from last weeks laundry are on the bed in the guest room ready to be put away (that is the part that I despise the most...I'll wash and wash for days...I'll even iron first! I just really don't like putting the clothes away!!!!), and the carpets will soon get a vacuuming but other than that....it's all good!
So, I have to share this next little bit of information with you....it was quite fun!
Yesterday afternoon while shopping in Marshall's for a lingerie/bridal shower gift for Nicole I came across these pants..
Can you guess how much they cost me???!!!! You'll never believe me....they were only $1.00!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
How is that possible???? I personally think that they were marked wrong. They are cute...no holes...not a mark anywhere! And only a dollar! They are like 5 inches too long...but what else is new?!?!....I have a small pile of pants that I need to get into the seamstress that will be perfect for this fall/winter (if they fit still....aughhhh, I gained a bit of weight during my relaxing summer...think I relaxed a bit too much!). I was so excited....just had to share my joy with you!
Here is another picture of the pants....
I like the buttons down both sides. Reminds me of a pair of pants my grandma had in the 40's or 50's....Actually, I think that I have a picture of her in them :) Need to pull it out today and compare.
Just had to prove to you that they really were only a dollar! SEE!
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Snippets of Summer (warning: lots of pictures!)
This is what she does all day!!!!
Tiare's first dance recital! She is such a doll! It was so funny/sweet/cute to watch her get so confused but not worrying one iota about it!
Marissa giving a little love to Daisy...I want this dog!
My kitty Zoe...fur baby #1
My kitty Sadie...my fur baby #2
Lazy summer days involved a certain precious 3 year old, chalk, and little bare feet!
Ladies from BVG at Living Proof Live in Stockton.
My new friend, Jen. We met at LPL in Stockton...total God Story! Will share with you all later.
Summer night out with the girls...Jenny Lynn, Wendi, Julie, JoFawna, Melisa, Me, and Misty.
Pray for Wendi...she is fighting cancer right now...thank you sweet friends :)
One thing that I loved about this summer was my many photographing opportunities...this one was captured at Kathya's house during her pool party. It will go into my God's Delight Book for sure!...what is it with me, flowers, and little critters???
Summer party at Kathya's house....here I am with my friend/coworker/sister in christ, Lynn.
Coley bean all wrapped up in his lion towel....we made great progress this summer on his bathtub behavior! This kid freaks out when water is poured over his head so I turned it into a game giving him all control (so he thought!) and told him to put his "water hat" on...worked every time!
My first flower given to me by Cole....he squeezed my heart in a such a tender way...a way only a 3 year old little boy can! I love him so much!!! My heart swells from it.....
Robin and I at the San Francisco Walk for Aids....we were a part of the group that went from Big Valley....amazing experience that I will continue to participate in.
Waiting patiently to get out of San Francisco....might as well take a photo!!
Marissa showed her lamb (#63) at the Merced Fair....made me feel old because I spent year after year living at the fairgrounds each summer from the time I was 13 until I was 19....now it is her turn....precious piece of information....Marissa used my FFA jacket from 1990....still good as ever and has not changed in style!
This is how I spent my leisure summer mornings....in the Word with my Esther study! I like to study from multiple versions. I have a parallel bible but wanted these versions.
My concert buddy!!!! Miss Julie and I...one of these days, we'll need to count up how many concerts we've been to over the course of our friendship!
Long Black Train man....you know you can just hear that deep tenor voice!
Josh Turner at the Stan. Fair....he is sweet on the eyes...he's a happily married man though (I was sad to find out!).
Stanislaus County Fair....memories of high school...I refused to ride it though because you just cannot trust those carnies like you could in high school. That in addition to the idea of my body flipping numerous times through the air....just not appealing or enticing anymore!!! Settled for a picture of the favorite ride instead :)
Trip to Carmel....much needed quiet time...gorgeous....grateful for the sweet time with the Lord.
End of the summer bible study potluck...what should I make?? How about Hamantashen...yummy!
The completed work....what is supposed to be a triangular shape turned into flowers??!!
Sunday, August 23, 2009
What's On My Mind....
Hi friends...It has been a bit of while since my last post...much on my mind and some heavy burdens on my heart but God is faithful and true. I am soooo glad that I have Him to depend on because, as we all know, there is NOTHING nor ANYONE in this world that we can depend on like Him. I wanted to share this little excerpt that I wrote in an email to a good friend. It is reflective of what is on my mind these days and where I am in my walk with the Lord right now.
Also...I want to remember my words becasue, as we all know, there will come a day where I am lamenting my lot in life and whining and crying about some miniscule thing. I don't want to forget the wisdom and insight that God has blessed my with today...I need this in writing, in a place where I can easily read it again (as many of us agree...our blogs are much for our own benefit...a place to clear our minds, to document our lives, and to share our faith). I need to remember this.....
I am feeling God pull me toward full healing...also, I am tired of living under the yoke of my pain/shame/guilt/fears....so am finally taking Jesus's yoke upon me and discovering that it is easy and light. When I trade in his yoke for my own time and time again...I get burdened and heavy ladden so have to remind myself that I don't need to do that. That yoke is not meant for me to bear. It is meant for Him to bear....something Colleen said at the retreat and since in our sessions, is that God carried that yoke for me when he went to the cross. He carried the shame, the guilt, the fear, the burden itself...I do not need to live in bondage to my worst fear...He took care of it. I've accepted his gift of salvation for my sin...now I need to accept his gift of freedom for my mind and in my life.
Yes...Lord Jesus....I choose today to accept your gift of freedom and your offer of healing. Come Lord Jesus into my mind and not just my heart...pour out your healing waters over my mind. You know how I struggle with it. Forgive me Lord...heal me. I trust you...I believe, help me to overcome my unbelief!
What is God speaking into your life right now? What truths is He burning into your heart? Please do share...I love hearing how God speaks to his children!
The body of Christ is a beautiful thing....so glad to be a part of it!
Also...I want to remember my words becasue, as we all know, there will come a day where I am lamenting my lot in life and whining and crying about some miniscule thing. I don't want to forget the wisdom and insight that God has blessed my with today...I need this in writing, in a place where I can easily read it again (as many of us agree...our blogs are much for our own benefit...a place to clear our minds, to document our lives, and to share our faith). I need to remember this.....
I am feeling God pull me toward full healing...also, I am tired of living under the yoke of my pain/shame/guilt/fears....so am finally taking Jesus's yoke upon me and discovering that it is easy and light. When I trade in his yoke for my own time and time again...I get burdened and heavy ladden so have to remind myself that I don't need to do that. That yoke is not meant for me to bear. It is meant for Him to bear....something Colleen said at the retreat and since in our sessions, is that God carried that yoke for me when he went to the cross. He carried the shame, the guilt, the fear, the burden itself...I do not need to live in bondage to my worst fear...He took care of it. I've accepted his gift of salvation for my sin...now I need to accept his gift of freedom for my mind and in my life.
Yes...Lord Jesus....I choose today to accept your gift of freedom and your offer of healing. Come Lord Jesus into my mind and not just my heart...pour out your healing waters over my mind. You know how I struggle with it. Forgive me Lord...heal me. I trust you...I believe, help me to overcome my unbelief!
What is God speaking into your life right now? What truths is He burning into your heart? Please do share...I love hearing how God speaks to his children!
The body of Christ is a beautiful thing....so glad to be a part of it!
Friday, August 7, 2009
You're Not Shaken
So, some of the blogs recently have had posts related to songs that inspire us, encourage us, or simply reflect where we are spiritually. I have not really been too into doing this as I love all music but have not had any one song that really stands out to me....UNTIL...this song.
Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light
I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken
I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan
When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me
and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
Label: Reunion Records
I am not going through anything that I would deem "the valley of the shadow of death" but definately am in the process of major life change (no...I'm not going through THE CHANGE!) and have been dealing with broken or unfulfilled dreams. The words that are like balm to my soul are these: "I won't let go of you now, because I know you're not shaken".
God is not shaken even when I am trembling in my boots. He is not shaken when I am unfaithful. He is not shaken when I am uncertain.
He is forever strong...forever faithful....forever and eternally there! Praise Him that he is not shaken even when I am.
I can trust this today! Lord you are not shaken....you are faithful....you are omnipotent....you are omnipresent....you are God of the universe!
Thank you for this reminder through song Lord....Help me to trust you today because you are not shaken!
Phil Stacey - You're Not Shaken
From the album Into The Light
I am sinking in a river that is raging
I am drowning, will I ever rise to breathe again
I want to know why I just want to understand
Will I ever know why
How could this be from Your hand
When every little thing that I have dreamed would be
Just slips away like water through my hand
And when it seems the walls of my belief are crashing down
Like they're all made of sand
I won't let go of You now, because I know You're not shaken
I'm trembling in the darkness of my own fear
All the questions with no answers still grip me while I'm here
And I may never know why I may not understand
But I will lift up my eyes And trust this is Your plan
When I am in the valley of the shadow of death
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
You're right here beside me
and You have never left
You're not shaken, You're not shaken
Label: Reunion Records
I am not going through anything that I would deem "the valley of the shadow of death" but definately am in the process of major life change (no...I'm not going through THE CHANGE!) and have been dealing with broken or unfulfilled dreams. The words that are like balm to my soul are these: "I won't let go of you now, because I know you're not shaken".
God is not shaken even when I am trembling in my boots. He is not shaken when I am unfaithful. He is not shaken when I am uncertain.
He is forever strong...forever faithful....forever and eternally there! Praise Him that he is not shaken even when I am.
I can trust this today! Lord you are not shaken....you are faithful....you are omnipotent....you are omnipresent....you are God of the universe!
Thank you for this reminder through song Lord....Help me to trust you today because you are not shaken!
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