1,000 Gifts

I recently read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I know that a lot of you bloggers out there have read it. And many of you have started chronicling your own list of 1,000 gifts. I've struggled with keeping my mind stayed on Jesus and his blessings over my life. I am a habitual worrier and negative thinker. I've had some victory in this area recently with the help and patience of a very good friend and mentor as well as my amazing counselor. In order to work on what is going in my mind and what I am thinking on each day, I've decided to begin counting my blessings. So, here is the beginning of my own 1,000 gifts.

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1. Zoe, who sits right next to me on the couch no matter what I am doing. Typing on my blog, reading a book, working on my bible study, or just catching a show.

2. The sound of the breeze blowing through the trees and the tinkling of my wooden windchimes.

3. Sunday mornings at Big Valley Grace.

4. Neighbors who have taken me under their wing and into their hearts.

5. Watching a friend who I love and respect so much worship her Lord, worship my Lord, worship our Lord.

Wow! It's Been a While

I've been MIA from the blog world for quite some time and that is simply because I've been without the internet. It was just too much to drive the 1/2 mile down to the nearest coffee shop that starts with an S. Really, it wasn't but I was too lazy! So, since I last posted nothing much is new. I still have the same job. I still go to the same church. I still have the same cats that bring me much delight. I still am involved in bible study at church. (Did I memorize James? Uh...no). I still live in the same city. I still battle fear and loneliness. A few things that are different in my life. My niece and nephews are growing and I've not seen them since Christmas but that is a part of life lived apart from much of my family. (Its not even that far away. We just don't get together). I chose to stop counseling after a year and a half. (that was a hard decision) My health has been a bit compromised. My employer has offered me a position that could lead to my job becoming my new career. (I am nervous and unsure whether to accept or not). A man that I was getting to know told me that he was interested in someone else (ouch!) I am beginning to take God at his word and live in truth. That last one has been the most difficult thing ever! I don't know why it requires such effort to read what God says about me and my life and the lives of those that I interact with each and every day and BELIEVE him. I've been told from my early days that I am gullible and impressionable. It has been a trait that I don't particularly like. It has led me into numerous situations that resulted in my embarrassment. But with God, it is okay that I am impressionable. He will never hurt me, poke fun at me, or ridicule me for my lack of knowledge. I am learning that if I want to grow in my relationship with him that I MUST believe what he says. And trust him with my unknowns. It is hard.

Journeying Through James

A month ago I decided, with a small group of women at church, to memorize the book of James. We had just started our new winter/spring session of bible study and were beginning to study the book of James with Beth Moore. Part of the study is a opportunity to memorize the entire book of James. I considered it and then just knew that I needed to commit to it.

I decided that it would be a good way for me to build my relationship with God.

And it has. Life has continued to move on at a rapid pace but I think that by focusing my thoughts on the Word of God daily I am better able to stay focused on Him. I am learning to relate to Him in a whole new way.

By immersing myself into the book on this level, I find myself thinking of the text and what it means and how it applies to my life. I know that this is something that we are to do with our regular bible reading. But I just don't all of the time. I usually read a passage and then move on to the next thing. I don't steep myself into a passage. Really take it in, ingest it, meditate on it.

With this intense focus on James that is changing. I am learning to really put myself into the Word. Asking God daily to speak to me. To make His Word alive in my life. Some days I don't do a very good job of surrendering and being open to whatever He would have me learn but on some days I get it and am blown away with truths and lessons.

Today has been one of those days. I spent time this morning working on my bible study and then time on my memory work. It was uninterrupted time, sweet time, Jesus and me time. Still I found myself a little distracted. I think that my struggle with distraction is part of my personality at this moment in my life. I need to begin my prayer time with asking God to help me with my distractability. I know that He will. it is just a nuissance!

So, today I rehearsed my previously memorized portion

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings!
Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For this person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man unstable in all his ways.
Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation and the rich in his humiliation because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuit. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast for when he has stood the test, He will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God" for God cannot be tempted with evil and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
Do not be deceived my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he has brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.
Know this my beloved brothers: let ever person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:1-21

And I started to think. I have endured trials. I have been tempted. I am rich in comparison to the rest of the world. If I focused only on the things that I have experienced or have characterized my life I will miss the point.

James reminds me that if I endure the trials my faith will be strengthened. He reminds me that I am not to blame God for when I am tempted. And he warns me of the futility of my riches. Pursuing them will result in nothing of substance. They fade away just as petals on a flower falls.

I am learning much by journeying through James. My God is so good to me. I am so grateful to have this time and opportunity to travel this road with Him!

My Journey Through the Book of James

Last year I had such a difficult time with scripture memory. This year as I thought about what to do I was bombarded by overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and the inablility to memorize.
I know this to be an untrue set of feelings because I've proven to myself that I have the ability to memorize anything. Song lyrics, lecture notes, numbers, and yes, even scripture.
And I don't lack for accountability. I have a wonderful group of ladies who encourage each other to memorize scripture. I just realized that I did not have the motivation. Who knows why! Just me and my personality.

So, to move myself out of my procrastination and lack of motivation, I decided to take Beth Moore's challenge to memorize the entire book of James.

Yes, I did just say that I am going to attempt to memorize the entire book of James.

I did go from no motivation to an incredibly off the wall attempt at memorization.

But I believe that I can do it. And I desire a more intimate walk with Jesus.

So, here goes.

My first installment in the hopefully soon to become beloved book of James:

James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:
Greetings.

Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.

If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; his is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:1-8

So, there it is. My first passage.

Lord, help me to grow closer to you as I venture down this road in our relationship. I invite you to be with me on this journey. Please walk with me and teach me. I so desire to hear your voice speak to me.

36 Blessings and Things That I am Thankful For

1. My salvation
2. My cute home
3. Sadie
4. Good health
5. Isaac
6. CVAP
7. Therapy
8. Beloved church family: Big Valley Grace
9. Sweet friends
10. Kensley
11. Family who love each other regardless of differences and struggles
12. Fragrant flowers
13. Zoe
14. Giggles from the seemingly locked up soul of an autistic preschooler
15. Neighbors that have become family
16. My Nikon and the ability to "see" God through a photograph
17. Cole
18. Jesus, my Savior
19. Bookclub: otherwise known as free therapy!
20. Music
21. Knitting needles and enough yarn to cover the heads of many small children
22. A mentor whose love challenges me to grow and gives me courage to face the pain
23. A day away at the beach with a special friend
24. Thursday morning bible study
25. Peppermint candy in a mug of hot chocolate
26. Evan
27. Hot soup on a cold day
28. Prayer and the ability to talk to God when there are no words
29. Being born and celebrating my life during my favorite time of year
30. Vanilla Chai lattes
31. My curly hair
32. Cold crisp mornings and a warm scarf
33. A great pen and my little pink journal
34. Quiet mornings with my Bible, journal, cup of tea, blanket, and cinnamon candle
35. Rain falling on the roof as I am waking up
36. God's incredible and deep love for me!

Therapy

Therapy.

What exactly is therapy?

Well, Websters defines it as "treatment of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorders".
This definition sounds so clinical and methodical. And in many respects, this is true. And believe me, it is helpful and at times necessary in life. But what I've found to be true is that therapy comes in all different forms.

Any of these ring a bell?

Physical therapy (I have not been in need of this up to this point and from the testimony of a few friends, hope to never need)
Occupational therapy (I've been witness to this one first hand. Very helpful but sometimes heartbreaking to watch)
Speech therapy (Again, helpful but difficult to watch when the client is exasperated)
Behavioral/Cognitive therapy (My line of work...Autism, reason that I've witnessed aformentioned therapies)

How about these less heard of treatments?

Retail therapy (Might want to rethink this one, it can propell you right to the therapist's couch in the first place!)
Horse therapy (I love horses but really....is launching myself onto the back of a 1,000lb animal going to diminish my fears and anxieties...I think not!)
Swim with the dolphins therapy (really?????)

When life has really got me down, I tend to turn to these forms of therapy....

Listening to children laugh therapy (blissful)
Smelling the flowers therapy (love,love,love)
Sitting and devouring a new book therapy (comforting form from childhood)
Gentle rain on the roof therapy (instant relaxation)
Dance until your feet ache therapy (never occurs enough!)

And my favorite of all.....

Listening to the waves crash up on the banks of the beach therapy (like Heaven to me)

Why my focus on therapy?

Well, I am in the midst of some major life changes. Most notably the changing of my thought patterns and the renewing of my mind. In order for this to happen, I've had to spend some very difficult time revisiting the ruins of my life. The places with cobwebs and rusty old abandoned memories. The places that no one chooses to willingly revisit. As I've traveld down the dusty road of my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood I've had to partake of different forms of therapy.
To identify the injuries and scars that seem to continually chase me down, I am grateful for behavioral/cognitive therapy and my exceptionally compassionate and wise therapist.
This type of therapy is the one that helps me dig, dig, and dig some more into the muck. It is the painful part. I am grateful for it.
But in order for this therapy to work I have to continually engage in the other types that I mentioned.
Like today, I was on the playground of a local elementary school and my spirit was lifted up by over 60 second graders laughing and giggling over various ball/blacktop games. Or this morning as I was drinking my Vanilla Latte and reading my Bible, the gentle sound of rain falling outside my window. Or another that I will engage in with much excitement this weekend at my cousins wedding, dancing, dancing, dancing the night away!

As I am in the midst of the painful pr0ocess of seeing the freedom that God has for me, I must remind myself to engage in the "therapies" that refresh my soul.

Besides, they don't cost $40.00 a session!

Sleep and God

I have trouble sleeping.
I don't have trouble getting to sleep but rather, staying asleep.
I don't know why.
I don't like it.
I wish that I could just sleep like a baby. No care in the world, no sin on my mind, no ache in my bones.

But,
I have trouble sleeping.

As I was thinking of what verse to memorize for these 2 weeks I stumbled on Psalm 121. It is a part of scripture that I've heard many times. It is a Psalm that I attempted (well, not completely) to memorize when I went through the study "Stepping Up".

In it is a little nugget; a verse about God not sleeping.

It just dawned on me this morning, God knows what it is like to have a sleepless night. Not that He needs sleep like I do. But He knows.
And further, He is awake when I am waking up hour after hour.
In the darkness, when I awake and cannot fall back asleep, when my emotions are frayed, and my tiredness is making me miserable, God is there for me to talk to.

To remedy my sleep problems I've tried many things.

Warm milk.
Hot bath.
Soothing music.
Read until my eyes burn.
Chamomille tea.
TV on.

and last but should be first,

Prayer.

I find that after I am so worn out and my emotions strung out I turn to God. I don't know why it is that I turn to Him last, when I know that He is there with me through the struggle.

He is there.

He is not sleeping because for one, He does not need to but probably more importantly, because He wants to watch over me.

So, the next time I have trouble drifting off into LaLa land or I am waking up when I should be sleeping, I'll remember to open the conversation lines with my Father who does not sleep or slumber.

"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you WILL NOT SLUMBER. BEHOLD, HE WHO KEEPS ISRAEL WILL NEITHER SLUMBER NOR SLEEP." Psalm 121:1-4