Anyone who knows me knows that I have had a love of reading since I first learned how to read. I think that my mom really fostered this love by taking my brothers and I to the county library regularly. I remember walking into the giant building and heading immediately to the left into the kids section. Once there I was in heaven because I could look for hours at the titles of books lined up in rows. I would go back and forth with books trying to decide which one to read. As an adult I still LOVE going to the library. I still spend much time in deliberation over which book to check out. I want to read a story that will be just right. I found that I got older and began to make my own money became a book collector. Not fancy collectible books but any book that I found intriguing. I loved owning my own library. A few years ago I experienced a drastic decrease in income so my days of book buying were over. I was so excited to discover that my love of books and reading didn't have to end. That is when I signed up to be a book reviewer for Baker Publishing Group. The following review is for a recent fictional book that I read for review.
Enjoy!
Once Upon a Summertime by Melody Carlson was an enjoyable book to read. I initially chose it because of the setting and the fact that Melody chose to have the main character be a single career woman. As a single woman, I appreciated the light-heartedness that she brought to this book. This book was centered around the life of a young woman named Anna. She has recently finished college and goes to her hometown to work at the Value Lodge as a manager. While working there she encounters struggles as she attempts to bring productivity to her employment. This book was an easy to read novel with characters that were developed. I felt that the book was a bit slow in the beginning but became more interesting as the story developed. I felt like I could relate with Anna as a career woman trying to find her way in the world after completing her college education and entering the workforce. What I liked about this story is that Anna takes a chance and makes a big change in her life by moving to NYC to attempt to gain new employment in her dream profession. One thing that I loved about this story is the inclusion of Anna's friend Marley. Her job as a flight attendant based out of NYC lends excitement to the story. I wish there would've been more development in this direction of the story. The romance between Anna and Sean was sweet although a bit unrealistic. Overall, I conclude that this was an enjoyable, light-hearted summer read!
*I was provided a copy of this book for my honest review*
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Thursday, March 26, 2015
Thoughts, Ramblings, and Things that I Like
Thoughts
I am nearing 40.
I am not sure where I fit in this life.
I am lonely much of the time.
I am so socially inept.
I am loved by the God who created me and purposed this life for me.
I am chosen and beloved.
I am not an afterthought or a nuissance.
I am valuable.
I am beautiful.
I am thoughtful.
I am defensive.
I am an aunt to 4 amazing little people.
I get to see two of my little people often.
I don't get to see the other two enough.
I am smart.
I am resourceful.
I am afraid.
I am uncomfortable.
I am insecure.
I am longing for something.
I am running from something else.
I am saddened by the break down of family.
I am mourning the loss of my dreams.
I am dreaming new dreams.
I am wandering wherever the wind takes me.
I am trying to follow the Lord.
I am a reader.
I am a writer.
I am a terrible eater.
I am a sinner.
I am forgiven.
I am calmed and soothed by music.
I am a pesimist.
I am an introvert.
I work in a world of extroverts.
I love the ocean.
I love the mountains.
I love California.
I want to see a new place.
Ramblings
So....this quickly approaching birthday marks my entry into a new decade. 40. Wow! When did that happen? So much life. So much love. So much pain. So much to see and hear and taste and touch and smell. All these years and where are they all pointing to? To that final moment when I breathe my last and see the face of Jesus. The face of the one that I will have spent a lifetime longing to see. The face of the ONE who is love, who gives love, who loves without condition. I long for that day....yet I dread that day.
I have been struggling lately with some health issues (darn girl problems) and these issues are ones that are so intimate and personal that I am somewhat overwhelmed with the immensity of them. They probably are not all that immense but in my mind and as they affect my life, they are huge. Who do I talk to about them? There isn't a Mr. Bethany. There isn't a little Bethany. There isn't a sister Bethany. There isn't even a BFF Bethany. There is just me....Bethany. At least in the physical and mortal sense.
I know what my mentor would say. "Tell Jesus" and I do....but Jesus is not sitting here with me sipping a Starbucks or handing me a tissue or putting his hand on my back and patting away my fears. He is not physically in the room when I am laying on a table being poked and prodded. He is not sitting in the chair when the doctor delivers the news that further tests are needed and beneficial. He is here but it feels like he is not here.
Kara Tippetts just died. I could say that Kara just went to be with the Lord and she did and I mean her memory no disrespect. She was a beautiful woman with an enormous heart. She was a woman who loved Jesus with every fading breath. And now her earthly breath has ceased. Her husband Jason is left behind as are her four adorable children. She faced the daunting prospect of disease and ill health. She was poked and prodded. She sat on a doctors table and was given horrible news. I am not on the same page as Kara. I have not received a cancer diagnosis. I have not received a diagnosis at all but the fear that haunts is that I will. That I could. We all could at some point in life.
I don't want to be a pesimist. I want to be an optimist. But I also want to be a realist. No Pollyanna here to distract me from the reality of life. Oh but there are times when being Pollyanna is so enticing. Let's just not deal with the reality, lets just look at the good in everything. Ughhhh......why is it so hard. On one hand we are told to be optimistic, to count our gifts, to be grateful and thankful and mindful of the Lord working on our behalf. Then we are also told to be real and honest and open and vulnerable.
When I am then I am told that its a pity party....so what is it? Be open and honest with the measure of pessimism that will naturally occur for this melancholy person or close my eyes to the hurt and pain and fear?
I don't know.
Things that I Like
I like cats.
I like children.
I like hot chocolate.
I like socks.
I like the colors blue, black and gray.
I like reading.
I like writing.
I like country music.
I like christian music.
I like rock music.
I like dancing.
I like singing.
I like the ocean.
I like snow.
I like flowers.
I like chai tea lattes.
I like bagels.
I like talking with others.
I like sweet smelling candles.
I like good curly hair product.
I like my job.
I like my car.
I like pajamas.
I like slippers.
I like cotton lingerie.
I like movies from the 80's and 90's.
I like perfume.
I like all things English.
I like waking up early.
I like going to bed early.
I like the spring and fall.
I like Christmas.
I like sweet memories.
I am nearing 40.
I am not sure where I fit in this life.
I am lonely much of the time.
I am so socially inept.
I am loved by the God who created me and purposed this life for me.
I am chosen and beloved.
I am not an afterthought or a nuissance.
I am valuable.
I am beautiful.
I am thoughtful.
I am defensive.
I am an aunt to 4 amazing little people.
I get to see two of my little people often.
I don't get to see the other two enough.
I am smart.
I am resourceful.
I am afraid.
I am uncomfortable.
I am insecure.
I am longing for something.
I am running from something else.
I am saddened by the break down of family.
I am mourning the loss of my dreams.
I am dreaming new dreams.
I am wandering wherever the wind takes me.
I am trying to follow the Lord.
I am a reader.
I am a writer.
I am a terrible eater.
I am a sinner.
I am forgiven.
I am calmed and soothed by music.
I am a pesimist.
I am an introvert.
I work in a world of extroverts.
I love the ocean.
I love the mountains.
I love California.
I want to see a new place.
Ramblings
So....this quickly approaching birthday marks my entry into a new decade. 40. Wow! When did that happen? So much life. So much love. So much pain. So much to see and hear and taste and touch and smell. All these years and where are they all pointing to? To that final moment when I breathe my last and see the face of Jesus. The face of the one that I will have spent a lifetime longing to see. The face of the ONE who is love, who gives love, who loves without condition. I long for that day....yet I dread that day.
I have been struggling lately with some health issues (darn girl problems) and these issues are ones that are so intimate and personal that I am somewhat overwhelmed with the immensity of them. They probably are not all that immense but in my mind and as they affect my life, they are huge. Who do I talk to about them? There isn't a Mr. Bethany. There isn't a little Bethany. There isn't a sister Bethany. There isn't even a BFF Bethany. There is just me....Bethany. At least in the physical and mortal sense.
I know what my mentor would say. "Tell Jesus" and I do....but Jesus is not sitting here with me sipping a Starbucks or handing me a tissue or putting his hand on my back and patting away my fears. He is not physically in the room when I am laying on a table being poked and prodded. He is not sitting in the chair when the doctor delivers the news that further tests are needed and beneficial. He is here but it feels like he is not here.
Kara Tippetts just died. I could say that Kara just went to be with the Lord and she did and I mean her memory no disrespect. She was a beautiful woman with an enormous heart. She was a woman who loved Jesus with every fading breath. And now her earthly breath has ceased. Her husband Jason is left behind as are her four adorable children. She faced the daunting prospect of disease and ill health. She was poked and prodded. She sat on a doctors table and was given horrible news. I am not on the same page as Kara. I have not received a cancer diagnosis. I have not received a diagnosis at all but the fear that haunts is that I will. That I could. We all could at some point in life.
I don't want to be a pesimist. I want to be an optimist. But I also want to be a realist. No Pollyanna here to distract me from the reality of life. Oh but there are times when being Pollyanna is so enticing. Let's just not deal with the reality, lets just look at the good in everything. Ughhhh......why is it so hard. On one hand we are told to be optimistic, to count our gifts, to be grateful and thankful and mindful of the Lord working on our behalf. Then we are also told to be real and honest and open and vulnerable.
When I am then I am told that its a pity party....so what is it? Be open and honest with the measure of pessimism that will naturally occur for this melancholy person or close my eyes to the hurt and pain and fear?
I don't know.
Things that I Like
I like cats.
I like children.
I like hot chocolate.
I like socks.
I like the colors blue, black and gray.
I like reading.
I like writing.
I like country music.
I like christian music.
I like rock music.
I like dancing.
I like singing.
I like the ocean.
I like snow.
I like flowers.
I like chai tea lattes.
I like bagels.
I like talking with others.
I like sweet smelling candles.
I like good curly hair product.
I like my job.
I like my car.
I like pajamas.
I like slippers.
I like cotton lingerie.
I like movies from the 80's and 90's.
I like perfume.
I like all things English.
I like waking up early.
I like going to bed early.
I like the spring and fall.
I like Christmas.
I like sweet memories.
Tuesday, November 18, 2014
New Role: Book Reviewer- TRADING SECRETS and THE CHRISTMAS CAT
So a few months ago I found out from a friend, a fellow book lover, that publishing agencies accept book reviewers. I looked up Baker on the web and signed my name to the line. Within a few weeks I received an email of a list of books to choose from to read and write a review. For a book lover, this list was like Thanksgiving dinner. My eyes were certainly bigger than my stomach. Or in this case, my eyes were bigger than my brain. I did exhibit a little bit of restraint when I choose only three books to read and review by the middle of this month.
You are my shipmates accompanying me on my maiden voyage of book reviewing.
Trading Secrets by Melody Carlson
The first book that I read for review is titled Trading Secrets by Melody Carlson. It is a book for the teenage audience. I found the book to be delightful, interesting and easy to read. The story centers around two young people in vastly different lifestyles. Michah, a young believer who lives as an "englischer", and Zach an Amish young man. Michah and Zach have been pen pals for over five years and as they approach the end of their teenage years they decide that they would like to meet in person. Sweet enough. Interesting enough.
The plot twister; Michah is a girl! All along Zach believes Michah to be his dear friend from the english world. He related to Michah as one guy to another guy. Upon meeting, both characters encounter strain and stress in their relationship due to the deception that Michah has allowed to go unchecked. Melody does a great job of giving words to the inner workings and thoughts of two very different young people. She keeps the reader interested and engaged throughout the entire story. I liked how the characters friendship was the main focus of the book. I appreciated that romantic interest was not highlighted throughout the story. It's a refreshing change from constant bombardment of expected romantic involvement in stories.
The Christmas Cat by Melody Carlson
The second title that I read was The Christmas Cat also by Melody Carlson. I must start by saying that I LOVED this book! I have greatly enjoyed all of the Christmas books that Melody has written. When I saw that this title was listed as a choice for the book reviewers I jumped on it right away. However, I waited until the very last minute to read it, as I wanted to be closer to the Christmas season.
In this book we find a young man, Garrison, who has inherited the responsibility of re-homing his grandmother's six precious cats in order to take possession of his inheritance. The story is delightful and funny. As a self-proclaimed cat lover,I can picture the cats one by one. Melody did a fabulous job of character development with the human characters as well as the feline ones. I enjoyed how the cats at first were a nuisance and a source of allergic troubles to Garrison. But over time he comes to appreciate each one and even warms up to the sweet Maine Coon named Harry. This book is a fast and easy read, perfect for the winter and holiday season. It is endearing and lighthearted. Perfect for reading on a cold and wintery day with a mug of coffee and a blanket!
You are my shipmates accompanying me on my maiden voyage of book reviewing.
Trading Secrets by Melody Carlson
The first book that I read for review is titled Trading Secrets by Melody Carlson. It is a book for the teenage audience. I found the book to be delightful, interesting and easy to read. The story centers around two young people in vastly different lifestyles. Michah, a young believer who lives as an "englischer", and Zach an Amish young man. Michah and Zach have been pen pals for over five years and as they approach the end of their teenage years they decide that they would like to meet in person. Sweet enough. Interesting enough.
The plot twister; Michah is a girl! All along Zach believes Michah to be his dear friend from the english world. He related to Michah as one guy to another guy. Upon meeting, both characters encounter strain and stress in their relationship due to the deception that Michah has allowed to go unchecked. Melody does a great job of giving words to the inner workings and thoughts of two very different young people. She keeps the reader interested and engaged throughout the entire story. I liked how the characters friendship was the main focus of the book. I appreciated that romantic interest was not highlighted throughout the story. It's a refreshing change from constant bombardment of expected romantic involvement in stories.
The Christmas Cat by Melody Carlson
The second title that I read was The Christmas Cat also by Melody Carlson. I must start by saying that I LOVED this book! I have greatly enjoyed all of the Christmas books that Melody has written. When I saw that this title was listed as a choice for the book reviewers I jumped on it right away. However, I waited until the very last minute to read it, as I wanted to be closer to the Christmas season.
In this book we find a young man, Garrison, who has inherited the responsibility of re-homing his grandmother's six precious cats in order to take possession of his inheritance. The story is delightful and funny. As a self-proclaimed cat lover,I can picture the cats one by one. Melody did a fabulous job of character development with the human characters as well as the feline ones. I enjoyed how the cats at first were a nuisance and a source of allergic troubles to Garrison. But over time he comes to appreciate each one and even warms up to the sweet Maine Coon named Harry. This book is a fast and easy read, perfect for the winter and holiday season. It is endearing and lighthearted. Perfect for reading on a cold and wintery day with a mug of coffee and a blanket!
Monday, October 13, 2014
Repurposed: Sarah and Rahab
Since I last posted we have traveled down the road of life and faith with Sarah and Rahab. Their stories and lives have impacted me and caused me to think of the many ways that my life resembles theirs. I'm just continually amazed by how God uses the lives of His people to bring glory to Himself. And not just that, He uses their lives and their experiences to teach them something about themselves. He seeks to comfort them in their distress and in their confusion. He stands with them giving support in each area of responsibility that they have.
Let's travel back to the tents and camels of Sarah and Abraham. Sarah's default is manipulation. My first thought when opening my bible study to the week on Sarah was "I probably won't relate too much to this week's study material". Wow...was I ever wrong! I have never considered myself a manipulative person. My default is quite the opposite, run from conflict. I had a faulty assumption that manipulation was characterized by active measures to get what you want. That is just not me. But as I looked deeper into Sarah's life and past the things that she did to manipulate the fulfillment of God's promise, I saw into her heart. What I saw was a woman who didn't trust God to come through on what He said He would do. I saw a woman too focused on the physical world and the power within herself that she almost missed the blessing all together. As I studied her life and considered her situation giving thought to her pattern of default, I found myself staring into my own hazel eyes.
I am Sarah too.
God has promised that I would be blessed and I am. He has promised that my life would have significance and it does. He has promised that He will never leave me and He never has. Yet, I doubt Him time and time again. Like Thomas doubting the truth of the resurrection of Jesus, I have doubted the activity of the Lord in my life. I pridefully say "I want to see the nail scars, I want to see the wound in His side". Maybe it's not so much pride these days. I know that He has changed my heart. I think it wasn't pride for Thomas either. Jesus knew his heart also and He allowed that doubt in Thomas. When He appeared to Thomas He told him to come and see the wounds in his hands, feet, and side. He invited Thomas to come and put his hand into the areas. He commanded Thomas to not doubt but believe. And after he commands this of Thomas He says blessed are they who believe but do not see.
That is me.
Jesus understands my doubts and confusion. He meets me in the middle of them. He allows them to enter my mind so that my faith is made stronger. And He has never, ever, ever let me down. Even when I feel let down and confused by the seemingly lack of activity in my life, He is there. Sarah taught me a lot!
Now lets travel to the city of Jericho. Here we meet a woman named Rahab. She is a woman of ill-repute. Her choices in life have landed her on the doorstep of the oldest profession in the world: prostitution. Her default to life's struggles is sexual promiscuity. Although this has never been part of my story I have known many women with a promiscuous past. In my conversations with them I have found a deep brokenness resulting from giving their bodies in a way that the Lord never intended. The assumption that is made about the life of the promiscuous woman is that she has no dignity and no boundaries. I would venture to say that what lies beneath is a deep sense of shame from the deep well of sin. Our Rahab was a woman who no doubt suffered deep shame. But the amazing thing is how God attended to her need and forgave her sinful lifestyle. He allowed the two Israelite men to enter her home and business and treat her with respect and kindness. He determined that she was worth saving. There was action necessary for the survival of her family but it was not what determined her worth. God used her to bring about His plan to save not just her but all mankind for Jesus came from her line.
I am Rahab too.
I have made choices that cause the shame within to flare up. Over the years I have learned valuable lessons on how not to let shame define me but I've yet fully understood how to completely give it over to Jesus. Rahab trusts the men and in turn trusts the Lord. She makes a choice to step out with tremendous courage and her risk is acknowledged. She inherits a new identity with her leap of courage. True to their word, the two men return and take Rahab and her family to safety outside of the Israelite camp. We learn as we read further that Rahab didn't stay outside the boundaries of the camp for long. She is welcomed in as a new daughter when she marries Salmon. Before long she and Salmon welcome baby Boaz into their family. And if you are a reader of scripture, you know where Boaz comes into the picture of the story of Jesus. He is the wonderful kinsman redeemer that saves Ruth from a lifetime of widowhood. But that is another story for another week!
Rahab and Sarah. They both made choices apart from the guidance of the Lord. They both step out in faith and turn from their natural inclination to default. They both are used mightily in the plans of God. They both inherit a new identity.
Sarah the barren one becomes Sarah the mother of nations.
Rahab the prostitute becomes Rahab the princess.
I am Sarah and Rahab. A woman drawn to default. A woman drawn to manipulation. A woman seduced by the trappings of the world. I too have encountered the Lord. And in my small but great courage, I have received a new identity.
I am no longer Bethany the manipulative one, the one who runs away from pain and conflict, the one who's shame defines her.
I am Bethany, a Daughter of the King of Kings, loved and cherished, valued, chosen, and redeemed. I am a child of God who has been set free.
Let's travel back to the tents and camels of Sarah and Abraham. Sarah's default is manipulation. My first thought when opening my bible study to the week on Sarah was "I probably won't relate too much to this week's study material". Wow...was I ever wrong! I have never considered myself a manipulative person. My default is quite the opposite, run from conflict. I had a faulty assumption that manipulation was characterized by active measures to get what you want. That is just not me. But as I looked deeper into Sarah's life and past the things that she did to manipulate the fulfillment of God's promise, I saw into her heart. What I saw was a woman who didn't trust God to come through on what He said He would do. I saw a woman too focused on the physical world and the power within herself that she almost missed the blessing all together. As I studied her life and considered her situation giving thought to her pattern of default, I found myself staring into my own hazel eyes.
I am Sarah too.
God has promised that I would be blessed and I am. He has promised that my life would have significance and it does. He has promised that He will never leave me and He never has. Yet, I doubt Him time and time again. Like Thomas doubting the truth of the resurrection of Jesus, I have doubted the activity of the Lord in my life. I pridefully say "I want to see the nail scars, I want to see the wound in His side". Maybe it's not so much pride these days. I know that He has changed my heart. I think it wasn't pride for Thomas either. Jesus knew his heart also and He allowed that doubt in Thomas. When He appeared to Thomas He told him to come and see the wounds in his hands, feet, and side. He invited Thomas to come and put his hand into the areas. He commanded Thomas to not doubt but believe. And after he commands this of Thomas He says blessed are they who believe but do not see.
That is me.
Jesus understands my doubts and confusion. He meets me in the middle of them. He allows them to enter my mind so that my faith is made stronger. And He has never, ever, ever let me down. Even when I feel let down and confused by the seemingly lack of activity in my life, He is there. Sarah taught me a lot!
Now lets travel to the city of Jericho. Here we meet a woman named Rahab. She is a woman of ill-repute. Her choices in life have landed her on the doorstep of the oldest profession in the world: prostitution. Her default to life's struggles is sexual promiscuity. Although this has never been part of my story I have known many women with a promiscuous past. In my conversations with them I have found a deep brokenness resulting from giving their bodies in a way that the Lord never intended. The assumption that is made about the life of the promiscuous woman is that she has no dignity and no boundaries. I would venture to say that what lies beneath is a deep sense of shame from the deep well of sin. Our Rahab was a woman who no doubt suffered deep shame. But the amazing thing is how God attended to her need and forgave her sinful lifestyle. He allowed the two Israelite men to enter her home and business and treat her with respect and kindness. He determined that she was worth saving. There was action necessary for the survival of her family but it was not what determined her worth. God used her to bring about His plan to save not just her but all mankind for Jesus came from her line.
I am Rahab too.
I have made choices that cause the shame within to flare up. Over the years I have learned valuable lessons on how not to let shame define me but I've yet fully understood how to completely give it over to Jesus. Rahab trusts the men and in turn trusts the Lord. She makes a choice to step out with tremendous courage and her risk is acknowledged. She inherits a new identity with her leap of courage. True to their word, the two men return and take Rahab and her family to safety outside of the Israelite camp. We learn as we read further that Rahab didn't stay outside the boundaries of the camp for long. She is welcomed in as a new daughter when she marries Salmon. Before long she and Salmon welcome baby Boaz into their family. And if you are a reader of scripture, you know where Boaz comes into the picture of the story of Jesus. He is the wonderful kinsman redeemer that saves Ruth from a lifetime of widowhood. But that is another story for another week!
Rahab and Sarah. They both made choices apart from the guidance of the Lord. They both step out in faith and turn from their natural inclination to default. They both are used mightily in the plans of God. They both inherit a new identity.
Sarah the barren one becomes Sarah the mother of nations.
Rahab the prostitute becomes Rahab the princess.
I am Sarah and Rahab. A woman drawn to default. A woman drawn to manipulation. A woman seduced by the trappings of the world. I too have encountered the Lord. And in my small but great courage, I have received a new identity.
I am no longer Bethany the manipulative one, the one who runs away from pain and conflict, the one who's shame defines her.
I am Bethany, a Daughter of the King of Kings, loved and cherished, valued, chosen, and redeemed. I am a child of God who has been set free.
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
Fighting Idolism
Bel bows down, Nebo Stoops low;
their idols are borne by beasts of burden.
The images that are carried about are burdensome,
a burden for the weary.
Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:1,3-4
Idolism is a fast growing cancer. It begins with something so small. Before you are aware of it, it has metastasized into a life threatening illness. One that seeks to destroy you in every way.
When you are overtaken by idols remember that the Lord has upheld you since conception. He has carried you since your entrance into this world. He will carry you until your hair grays with age.
He made you.
He sustains you.
He carries you.
He rescues you.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)
their idols are borne by beasts of burden.
The images that are carried about are burdensome,
a burden for the weary.
Listen to me, O house of Jacob,
all you who remain of the house of Israel,
you whom I have upheld since you were conceived,
and have carried since your birth.
Even to your old age and gray hairs
I am he, I am he who will sustain you.
I have made you and I will carry you;
I will sustain you and I will rescue you.
Isaiah 46:1,3-4
Idolism is a fast growing cancer. It begins with something so small. Before you are aware of it, it has metastasized into a life threatening illness. One that seeks to destroy you in every way.
When you are overtaken by idols remember that the Lord has upheld you since conception. He has carried you since your entrance into this world. He will carry you until your hair grays with age.
He made you.
He sustains you.
He carries you.
He rescues you.
"For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1 (ESV)
Wednesday, April 2, 2014
Manna for Today
Lately I have been grappling with feeling unimportant and not valued. I have let the words exit my mouth when really they should have stayed in. If I have learned anything over the past 5 years it is that I must rehearse truth to myself and others in order to combat the lies of satan.
I have failed.
No, I rephrase: I have had a setback.
I have fallen from my stable place and slipped back into the pit that menaces that I am unable to change. It is a place where satan lives. It is a place of lowness and darkness and sadness. It is a place where I am most afraid and yet most at home. I don't want to live in that place anymore. I am a conqueror. I have a Saviour who died so that I could be free from death and guilt. He died so that I could be free from the clutches of satan and his demons.
I have dreams in my life that have gone unfulfilled. I am angry, saddened, confused about the fact that they are unrealized dreams. I've entertained the thought that Jesus died for me becasue He had to not because He chose to.
Ridiculous but honest.
I can't understand why Jesus would chose singleness for me. I have spent a lifetime feeling lonely and looking forward to the day that I would have someone who would love me and me only. Someone who would want to hear what I have to say. Someone who would be excited to hear my voice.
Unrealized dreams.
I have concluded that I am not enough for these gifts. Valuable enough, pretty enough, good enough.
Rather than point my life down that dark road I must turn around and head in the direction of the Light of Life.
Today I resolve to take a step in the direction of Jesus' light by reminding myself of these essential truths about my life.
1. Jesus died to save me
"For God so loved the world (bethany) that He gave his only Son that whoever (bethany) believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16
2. The Lord made me with purpose and plans
"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
3. Jesus' death bought my freedom
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us (bethany) free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
4. I am made new
"Therefore, if anyhone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" 2 Corinthians 5:17
5. My sins are not catalogued
"As far as the east is from the west, so far does He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
6. I am a witness to others
"The righteous are like a light shining brightly..." Proverbs 13:9a
7. I am loved
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness." Jeremiah 31:3
8. My pain is a reminder of my dependency on Jesus
"He strengthens those who are weak and tired." Isaiah 40:29
9. My life has weight and value
"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
10. I can change
"and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24
I have failed.
No, I rephrase: I have had a setback.
I have fallen from my stable place and slipped back into the pit that menaces that I am unable to change. It is a place where satan lives. It is a place of lowness and darkness and sadness. It is a place where I am most afraid and yet most at home. I don't want to live in that place anymore. I am a conqueror. I have a Saviour who died so that I could be free from death and guilt. He died so that I could be free from the clutches of satan and his demons.
I have dreams in my life that have gone unfulfilled. I am angry, saddened, confused about the fact that they are unrealized dreams. I've entertained the thought that Jesus died for me becasue He had to not because He chose to.
Ridiculous but honest.
I can't understand why Jesus would chose singleness for me. I have spent a lifetime feeling lonely and looking forward to the day that I would have someone who would love me and me only. Someone who would want to hear what I have to say. Someone who would be excited to hear my voice.
Unrealized dreams.
I have concluded that I am not enough for these gifts. Valuable enough, pretty enough, good enough.
Rather than point my life down that dark road I must turn around and head in the direction of the Light of Life.
Today I resolve to take a step in the direction of Jesus' light by reminding myself of these essential truths about my life.
1. Jesus died to save me
"For God so loved the world (bethany) that He gave his only Son that whoever (bethany) believes in Him should not perish but have eternal life" John 3:16
2. The Lord made me with purpose and plans
"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
3. Jesus' death bought my freedom
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us (bethany) free. Stand firm then and do not let yourselves be burdened by a yoke of slavery." Galatians 5:1
4. I am made new
"Therefore, if anyhone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come" 2 Corinthians 5:17
5. My sins are not catalogued
"As far as the east is from the west, so far does He removed our transgressions from us. Psalm 103:12
6. I am a witness to others
"The righteous are like a light shining brightly..." Proverbs 13:9a
7. I am loved
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving kindness." Jeremiah 31:3
8. My pain is a reminder of my dependency on Jesus
"He strengthens those who are weak and tired." Isaiah 40:29
9. My life has weight and value
"For I know the plans that I have for you declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11
10. I can change
"and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." Ephesians 4:23-24
Saturday, December 14, 2013
1,000 Gifts Christmas Edition
Celebrating THE GIFT of Christ this Christmas.
I am blessed beyond what my mind can fathom. 2013 has been a year of many blessings as I've learned, and continue to learn, how to walk daily with Jesus. This path that we've been on has been marked by joys little and large. The following list is my small token of putting to computer screen what has danced across the screen of my mind and heart.
Christmas Gifts
1. Twinkle lights on the tree
2. Ornanments new and old
3. Fuzzy sock Christmas party with friends
4. Peppermint hot chocolate
5. Chilly mornings sipping hot beverages
6. Jesus in the morning
7. Jesus during the day
8. Jesus at night
9. All manner of Christmas music on Pandora
10. Gifts piling under the tree and the money with which to buy them
11. Unexpected work bonus
12. Anticipation of Kitchen Aid Mixer that is my Christmas gift to myself
13. Warmth of Zoe the kitty as she sits next to me as I sit next to Jesus each morning
14. Mailbox filling with Christmas greetings from friends and family near and far
15. The rush and bustle of the season
16. The stillness and quiet of the season
17. San Francisco trip with Sue
18. The City all lit up
19. Sight of 4 little nephews and niece bundled in new jammies
20. Lighting of my simple advent candles on Sunday nights
I am blessed beyond what my mind can fathom. 2013 has been a year of many blessings as I've learned, and continue to learn, how to walk daily with Jesus. This path that we've been on has been marked by joys little and large. The following list is my small token of putting to computer screen what has danced across the screen of my mind and heart.
Christmas Gifts
1. Twinkle lights on the tree
2. Ornanments new and old
3. Fuzzy sock Christmas party with friends
4. Peppermint hot chocolate
5. Chilly mornings sipping hot beverages
6. Jesus in the morning
7. Jesus during the day
8. Jesus at night
9. All manner of Christmas music on Pandora
10. Gifts piling under the tree and the money with which to buy them
11. Unexpected work bonus
12. Anticipation of Kitchen Aid Mixer that is my Christmas gift to myself
13. Warmth of Zoe the kitty as she sits next to me as I sit next to Jesus each morning
14. Mailbox filling with Christmas greetings from friends and family near and far
15. The rush and bustle of the season
16. The stillness and quiet of the season
17. San Francisco trip with Sue
18. The City all lit up
19. Sight of 4 little nephews and niece bundled in new jammies
20. Lighting of my simple advent candles on Sunday nights
Sunday, March 17, 2013
1,000 Gifts
I recently read the book One Thousand Gifts by Ann Voskamp. I know that a lot of you bloggers out there have read it. And many of you have started chronicling your own list of 1,000 gifts. I've struggled with keeping my mind stayed on Jesus and his blessings over my life. I am a habitual worrier and negative thinker. I've had some victory in this area recently with the help and patience of a very good friend and mentor as well as my amazing counselor. In order to work on what is going in my mind and what I am thinking on each day, I've decided to begin counting my blessings. So, here is the beginning of my own 1,000 gifts.
*******************************************************
1. Zoe, who sits right next to me on the couch no matter what I am doing. Typing on my blog, reading a book, working on my bible study, or just catching a show.
2. The sound of the breeze blowing through the trees and the tinkling of my wooden windchimes.
3. Sunday mornings at Big Valley Grace.
4. Neighbors who have taken me under their wing and into their hearts.
5. Watching a friend who I love and respect so much worship her Lord, worship my Lord, worship our Lord.
*******************************************************
1. Zoe, who sits right next to me on the couch no matter what I am doing. Typing on my blog, reading a book, working on my bible study, or just catching a show.
2. The sound of the breeze blowing through the trees and the tinkling of my wooden windchimes.
3. Sunday mornings at Big Valley Grace.
4. Neighbors who have taken me under their wing and into their hearts.
5. Watching a friend who I love and respect so much worship her Lord, worship my Lord, worship our Lord.
Wow! It's Been a While
I've been MIA from the blog world for quite some time and that is simply because I've been without the internet. It was just too much to drive the 1/2 mile down to the nearest coffee shop that starts with an S. Really, it wasn't but I was too lazy!
So, since I last posted nothing much is new.
I still have the same job.
I still go to the same church.
I still have the same cats that bring me much delight.
I still am involved in bible study at church. (Did I memorize James? Uh...no).
I still live in the same city.
I still battle fear and loneliness.
A few things that are different in my life.
My niece and nephews are growing and I've not seen them since Christmas but that is a part of life lived apart from much of my family. (Its not even that far away. We just don't get together).
I chose to stop counseling after a year and a half. (that was a hard decision)
My health has been a bit compromised.
My employer has offered me a position that could lead to my job becoming my new career. (I am nervous and unsure whether to accept or not).
A man that I was getting to know told me that he was interested in someone else (ouch!)
I am beginning to take God at his word and live in truth.
That last one has been the most difficult thing ever! I don't know why it requires such effort to read what God says about me and my life and the lives of those that I interact with each and every day and BELIEVE him. I've been told from my early days that I am gullible and impressionable. It has been a trait that I don't particularly like. It has led me into numerous situations that resulted in my embarrassment. But with God, it is okay that I am impressionable. He will never hurt me, poke fun at me, or ridicule me for my lack of knowledge. I am learning that if I want to grow in my relationship with him that I MUST believe what he says. And trust him with my unknowns.
It is hard.
Monday, March 5, 2012
Journeying Through James
A month ago I decided, with a small group of women at church, to memorize the book of James. We had just started our new winter/spring session of bible study and were beginning to study the book of James with Beth Moore. Part of the study is a opportunity to memorize the entire book of James. I considered it and then just knew that I needed to commit to it.
I decided that it would be a good way for me to build my relationship with God.
And it has. Life has continued to move on at a rapid pace but I think that by focusing my thoughts on the Word of God daily I am better able to stay focused on Him. I am learning to relate to Him in a whole new way.
By immersing myself into the book on this level, I find myself thinking of the text and what it means and how it applies to my life. I know that this is something that we are to do with our regular bible reading. But I just don't all of the time. I usually read a passage and then move on to the next thing. I don't steep myself into a passage. Really take it in, ingest it, meditate on it.
With this intense focus on James that is changing. I am learning to really put myself into the Word. Asking God daily to speak to me. To make His Word alive in my life. Some days I don't do a very good job of surrendering and being open to whatever He would have me learn but on some days I get it and am blown away with truths and lessons.
Today has been one of those days. I spent time this morning working on my bible study and then time on my memory work. It was uninterrupted time, sweet time, Jesus and me time. Still I found myself a little distracted. I think that my struggle with distraction is part of my personality at this moment in my life. I need to begin my prayer time with asking God to help me with my distractability. I know that He will. it is just a nuissance!
So, today I rehearsed my previously memorized portion
And I started to think. I have endured trials. I have been tempted. I am rich in comparison to the rest of the world. If I focused only on the things that I have experienced or have characterized my life I will miss the point.
James reminds me that if I endure the trials my faith will be strengthened. He reminds me that I am not to blame God for when I am tempted. And he warns me of the futility of my riches. Pursuing them will result in nothing of substance. They fade away just as petals on a flower falls.
I am learning much by journeying through James. My God is so good to me. I am so grateful to have this time and opportunity to travel this road with Him!
I decided that it would be a good way for me to build my relationship with God.
And it has. Life has continued to move on at a rapid pace but I think that by focusing my thoughts on the Word of God daily I am better able to stay focused on Him. I am learning to relate to Him in a whole new way.
By immersing myself into the book on this level, I find myself thinking of the text and what it means and how it applies to my life. I know that this is something that we are to do with our regular bible reading. But I just don't all of the time. I usually read a passage and then move on to the next thing. I don't steep myself into a passage. Really take it in, ingest it, meditate on it.
With this intense focus on James that is changing. I am learning to really put myself into the Word. Asking God daily to speak to me. To make His Word alive in my life. Some days I don't do a very good job of surrendering and being open to whatever He would have me learn but on some days I get it and am blown away with truths and lessons.
Today has been one of those days. I spent time this morning working on my bible study and then time on my memory work. It was uninterrupted time, sweet time, Jesus and me time. Still I found myself a little distracted. I think that my struggle with distraction is part of my personality at this moment in my life. I need to begin my prayer time with asking God to help me with my distractability. I know that He will. it is just a nuissance!
So, today I rehearsed my previously memorized portion
James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ.
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion: Greetings!
Count it all joy my brothers when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God who gives generously to all without reproach and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting. For the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For this person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord. He is a double-minded man unstable in all his ways.
Let the lowly brother boast in his exaltation and the rich in his humiliation because like a flower of the grass he will pass away. For the sun rises with its scorching heat and withers the grass; its flower falls and its beauty perishes. So also will the rich man fade away in the midst of his pursuit. Blessed is the man who remains steadfast for when he has stood the test, He will recieve the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him. Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am being tempted by God" for God cannot be tempted with evil and He Himself tempts no one. But each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desires. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin and sin when it is fully grown brings forth death.
Do not be deceived my beloved brothers. Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of Lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. Of his own will he has brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of firstfruits of his creatures.
Know this my beloved brothers: let ever person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger. For the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls. James 1:1-21
And I started to think. I have endured trials. I have been tempted. I am rich in comparison to the rest of the world. If I focused only on the things that I have experienced or have characterized my life I will miss the point.
James reminds me that if I endure the trials my faith will be strengthened. He reminds me that I am not to blame God for when I am tempted. And he warns me of the futility of my riches. Pursuing them will result in nothing of substance. They fade away just as petals on a flower falls.
I am learning much by journeying through James. My God is so good to me. I am so grateful to have this time and opportunity to travel this road with Him!
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
My Journey Through the Book of James
Last year I had such a difficult time with scripture memory. This year as I thought about what to do I was bombarded by overwhelming feelings of inadequacy and the inablility to memorize.
I know this to be an untrue set of feelings because I've proven to myself that I have the ability to memorize anything. Song lyrics, lecture notes, numbers, and yes, even scripture.
And I don't lack for accountability. I have a wonderful group of ladies who encourage each other to memorize scripture. I just realized that I did not have the motivation. Who knows why! Just me and my personality.
So, to move myself out of my procrastination and lack of motivation, I decided to take Beth Moore's challenge to memorize the entire book of James.
Yes, I did just say that I am going to attempt to memorize the entire book of James.
I did go from no motivation to an incredibly off the wall attempt at memorization.
But I believe that I can do it. And I desire a more intimate walk with Jesus.
So, here goes.
My first installment in the hopefully soon to become beloved book of James:
So, there it is. My first passage.
Lord, help me to grow closer to you as I venture down this road in our relationship. I invite you to be with me on this journey. Please walk with me and teach me. I so desire to hear your voice speak to me.
I know this to be an untrue set of feelings because I've proven to myself that I have the ability to memorize anything. Song lyrics, lecture notes, numbers, and yes, even scripture.
And I don't lack for accountability. I have a wonderful group of ladies who encourage each other to memorize scripture. I just realized that I did not have the motivation. Who knows why! Just me and my personality.
So, to move myself out of my procrastination and lack of motivation, I decided to take Beth Moore's challenge to memorize the entire book of James.
Yes, I did just say that I am going to attempt to memorize the entire book of James.
I did go from no motivation to an incredibly off the wall attempt at memorization.
But I believe that I can do it. And I desire a more intimate walk with Jesus.
So, here goes.
My first installment in the hopefully soon to become beloved book of James:
James, a servant of God and of the Lord Jesus Christ,
To the twelve tribes in the Dispersion:
Greetings.
Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; his is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. James 1:1-8
So, there it is. My first passage.
Lord, help me to grow closer to you as I venture down this road in our relationship. I invite you to be with me on this journey. Please walk with me and teach me. I so desire to hear your voice speak to me.
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
36 Blessings and Things That I am Thankful For
1. My salvation
2. My cute home
3. Sadie
4. Good health
5. Isaac
6. CVAP
7. Therapy
8. Beloved church family: Big Valley Grace
9. Sweet friends
10. Kensley
11. Family who love each other regardless of differences and struggles
12. Fragrant flowers
13. Zoe
14. Giggles from the seemingly locked up soul of an autistic preschooler
15. Neighbors that have become family
16. My Nikon and the ability to "see" God through a photograph
17. Cole
18. Jesus, my Savior
19. Bookclub: otherwise known as free therapy!
20. Music
21. Knitting needles and enough yarn to cover the heads of many small children
22. A mentor whose love challenges me to grow and gives me courage to face the pain
23. A day away at the beach with a special friend
24. Thursday morning bible study
25. Peppermint candy in a mug of hot chocolate
26. Evan
27. Hot soup on a cold day
28. Prayer and the ability to talk to God when there are no words
29. Being born and celebrating my life during my favorite time of year
30. Vanilla Chai lattes
31. My curly hair
32. Cold crisp mornings and a warm scarf
33. A great pen and my little pink journal
34. Quiet mornings with my Bible, journal, cup of tea, blanket, and cinnamon candle
35. Rain falling on the roof as I am waking up
36. God's incredible and deep love for me!
2. My cute home
3. Sadie
4. Good health
5. Isaac
6. CVAP
7. Therapy
8. Beloved church family: Big Valley Grace
9. Sweet friends
10. Kensley
11. Family who love each other regardless of differences and struggles
12. Fragrant flowers
13. Zoe
14. Giggles from the seemingly locked up soul of an autistic preschooler
15. Neighbors that have become family
16. My Nikon and the ability to "see" God through a photograph
17. Cole
18. Jesus, my Savior
19. Bookclub: otherwise known as free therapy!
20. Music
21. Knitting needles and enough yarn to cover the heads of many small children
22. A mentor whose love challenges me to grow and gives me courage to face the pain
23. A day away at the beach with a special friend
24. Thursday morning bible study
25. Peppermint candy in a mug of hot chocolate
26. Evan
27. Hot soup on a cold day
28. Prayer and the ability to talk to God when there are no words
29. Being born and celebrating my life during my favorite time of year
30. Vanilla Chai lattes
31. My curly hair
32. Cold crisp mornings and a warm scarf
33. A great pen and my little pink journal
34. Quiet mornings with my Bible, journal, cup of tea, blanket, and cinnamon candle
35. Rain falling on the roof as I am waking up
36. God's incredible and deep love for me!
Monday, October 10, 2011
Therapy
Therapy.
What exactly is therapy?
Well, Websters defines it as "treatment of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorders".
This definition sounds so clinical and methodical. And in many respects, this is true. And believe me, it is helpful and at times necessary in life. But what I've found to be true is that therapy comes in all different forms.
Any of these ring a bell?
Physical therapy (I have not been in need of this up to this point and from the testimony of a few friends, hope to never need)
Occupational therapy (I've been witness to this one first hand. Very helpful but sometimes heartbreaking to watch)
Speech therapy (Again, helpful but difficult to watch when the client is exasperated)
Behavioral/Cognitive therapy (My line of work...Autism, reason that I've witnessed aformentioned therapies)
How about these less heard of treatments?
Retail therapy (Might want to rethink this one, it can propell you right to the therapist's couch in the first place!)
Horse therapy (I love horses but really....is launching myself onto the back of a 1,000lb animal going to diminish my fears and anxieties...I think not!)
Swim with the dolphins therapy (really?????)
When life has really got me down, I tend to turn to these forms of therapy....
Listening to children laugh therapy (blissful)
Smelling the flowers therapy (love,love,love)
Sitting and devouring a new book therapy (comforting form from childhood)
Gentle rain on the roof therapy (instant relaxation)
Dance until your feet ache therapy (never occurs enough!)
And my favorite of all.....
Listening to the waves crash up on the banks of the beach therapy (like Heaven to me)
Why my focus on therapy?
Well, I am in the midst of some major life changes. Most notably the changing of my thought patterns and the renewing of my mind. In order for this to happen, I've had to spend some very difficult time revisiting the ruins of my life. The places with cobwebs and rusty old abandoned memories. The places that no one chooses to willingly revisit. As I've traveld down the dusty road of my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood I've had to partake of different forms of therapy.
To identify the injuries and scars that seem to continually chase me down, I am grateful for behavioral/cognitive therapy and my exceptionally compassionate and wise therapist.
This type of therapy is the one that helps me dig, dig, and dig some more into the muck. It is the painful part. I am grateful for it.
But in order for this therapy to work I have to continually engage in the other types that I mentioned.
Like today, I was on the playground of a local elementary school and my spirit was lifted up by over 60 second graders laughing and giggling over various ball/blacktop games. Or this morning as I was drinking my Vanilla Latte and reading my Bible, the gentle sound of rain falling outside my window. Or another that I will engage in with much excitement this weekend at my cousins wedding, dancing, dancing, dancing the night away!
As I am in the midst of the painful pr0ocess of seeing the freedom that God has for me, I must remind myself to engage in the "therapies" that refresh my soul.
Besides, they don't cost $40.00 a session!
What exactly is therapy?
Well, Websters defines it as "treatment of bodily, mental, or behavioral disorders".
This definition sounds so clinical and methodical. And in many respects, this is true. And believe me, it is helpful and at times necessary in life. But what I've found to be true is that therapy comes in all different forms.
Any of these ring a bell?
Physical therapy (I have not been in need of this up to this point and from the testimony of a few friends, hope to never need)
Occupational therapy (I've been witness to this one first hand. Very helpful but sometimes heartbreaking to watch)
Speech therapy (Again, helpful but difficult to watch when the client is exasperated)
Behavioral/Cognitive therapy (My line of work...Autism, reason that I've witnessed aformentioned therapies)
How about these less heard of treatments?
Retail therapy (Might want to rethink this one, it can propell you right to the therapist's couch in the first place!)
Horse therapy (I love horses but really....is launching myself onto the back of a 1,000lb animal going to diminish my fears and anxieties...I think not!)
Swim with the dolphins therapy (really?????)
When life has really got me down, I tend to turn to these forms of therapy....
Listening to children laugh therapy (blissful)
Smelling the flowers therapy (love,love,love)
Sitting and devouring a new book therapy (comforting form from childhood)
Gentle rain on the roof therapy (instant relaxation)
Dance until your feet ache therapy (never occurs enough!)
And my favorite of all.....
Listening to the waves crash up on the banks of the beach therapy (like Heaven to me)
Why my focus on therapy?
Well, I am in the midst of some major life changes. Most notably the changing of my thought patterns and the renewing of my mind. In order for this to happen, I've had to spend some very difficult time revisiting the ruins of my life. The places with cobwebs and rusty old abandoned memories. The places that no one chooses to willingly revisit. As I've traveld down the dusty road of my childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood I've had to partake of different forms of therapy.
To identify the injuries and scars that seem to continually chase me down, I am grateful for behavioral/cognitive therapy and my exceptionally compassionate and wise therapist.
This type of therapy is the one that helps me dig, dig, and dig some more into the muck. It is the painful part. I am grateful for it.
But in order for this therapy to work I have to continually engage in the other types that I mentioned.
Like today, I was on the playground of a local elementary school and my spirit was lifted up by over 60 second graders laughing and giggling over various ball/blacktop games. Or this morning as I was drinking my Vanilla Latte and reading my Bible, the gentle sound of rain falling outside my window. Or another that I will engage in with much excitement this weekend at my cousins wedding, dancing, dancing, dancing the night away!
As I am in the midst of the painful pr0ocess of seeing the freedom that God has for me, I must remind myself to engage in the "therapies" that refresh my soul.
Besides, they don't cost $40.00 a session!
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Sleep and God
I have trouble sleeping.
I don't have trouble getting to sleep but rather, staying asleep.
I don't know why.
I don't like it.
I wish that I could just sleep like a baby. No care in the world, no sin on my mind, no ache in my bones.
But,
I have trouble sleeping.
As I was thinking of what verse to memorize for these 2 weeks I stumbled on Psalm 121. It is a part of scripture that I've heard many times. It is a Psalm that I attempted (well, not completely) to memorize when I went through the study "Stepping Up".
In it is a little nugget; a verse about God not sleeping.
It just dawned on me this morning, God knows what it is like to have a sleepless night. Not that He needs sleep like I do. But He knows.
And further, He is awake when I am waking up hour after hour.
In the darkness, when I awake and cannot fall back asleep, when my emotions are frayed, and my tiredness is making me miserable, God is there for me to talk to.
To remedy my sleep problems I've tried many things.
Warm milk.
Hot bath.
Soothing music.
Read until my eyes burn.
Chamomille tea.
TV on.
and last but should be first,
Prayer.
I find that after I am so worn out and my emotions strung out I turn to God. I don't know why it is that I turn to Him last, when I know that He is there with me through the struggle.
He is there.
He is not sleeping because for one, He does not need to but probably more importantly, because He wants to watch over me.
So, the next time I have trouble drifting off into LaLa land or I am waking up when I should be sleeping, I'll remember to open the conversation lines with my Father who does not sleep or slumber.
"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you WILL NOT SLUMBER. BEHOLD, HE WHO KEEPS ISRAEL WILL NEITHER SLUMBER NOR SLEEP." Psalm 121:1-4
I don't have trouble getting to sleep but rather, staying asleep.
I don't know why.
I don't like it.
I wish that I could just sleep like a baby. No care in the world, no sin on my mind, no ache in my bones.
But,
I have trouble sleeping.
As I was thinking of what verse to memorize for these 2 weeks I stumbled on Psalm 121. It is a part of scripture that I've heard many times. It is a Psalm that I attempted (well, not completely) to memorize when I went through the study "Stepping Up".
In it is a little nugget; a verse about God not sleeping.
It just dawned on me this morning, God knows what it is like to have a sleepless night. Not that He needs sleep like I do. But He knows.
And further, He is awake when I am waking up hour after hour.
In the darkness, when I awake and cannot fall back asleep, when my emotions are frayed, and my tiredness is making me miserable, God is there for me to talk to.
To remedy my sleep problems I've tried many things.
Warm milk.
Hot bath.
Soothing music.
Read until my eyes burn.
Chamomille tea.
TV on.
and last but should be first,
Prayer.
I find that after I am so worn out and my emotions strung out I turn to God. I don't know why it is that I turn to Him last, when I know that He is there with me through the struggle.
He is there.
He is not sleeping because for one, He does not need to but probably more importantly, because He wants to watch over me.
So, the next time I have trouble drifting off into LaLa land or I am waking up when I should be sleeping, I'll remember to open the conversation lines with my Father who does not sleep or slumber.
"I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you WILL NOT SLUMBER. BEHOLD, HE WHO KEEPS ISRAEL WILL NEITHER SLUMBER NOR SLEEP." Psalm 121:1-4
Thursday, July 21, 2011
verses 9-14
I am so behind in keeping up on this blog. I figured that since virtually no one read it that it was okay to let it go by the wayside. I've since decided that it is at least good for me so, as a new goal I've decided to pick up the pen again.
I've been memorizing (more like meditating) verses with the LPM blog this year. A smaller group of us have also been memorizing together on another blog (ladiesscripturememoryteam.blogspot.com). I had intended to get all of my verses on this blog as we progressed but as life would have it, I didn't!
Never too late though right?!
Verse 9
Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Verse 10
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Verse 11
Psalm 84:5-7
Blessed are those whose strength is on you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.
Verse 12
Psalm 3:3
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
Verse 13
Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation.
Verse 14
Psalm 121:1-4
I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold; he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Lord, teach me your truth as I meditate on your word!
I've been memorizing (more like meditating) verses with the LPM blog this year. A smaller group of us have also been memorizing together on another blog (ladiesscripturememoryteam.blogspot.com). I had intended to get all of my verses on this blog as we progressed but as life would have it, I didn't!
Never too late though right?!
Verse 9
Psalm 27:13-14
I believe that I shall look upon the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living! Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord!
Verse 10
Lamentations 3:22-23
Because of the Lords great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.
Verse 11
Psalm 84:5-7
Blessed are those whose strength is on you, who have set their hearts on pilgrimage. As they pass through the Valley of Baca, they make it a place of springs; the autumn rains also cover it with pools. They go from strength to strength till each appears before God in Zion.
Verse 12
Psalm 3:3
But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head.
Verse 13
Psalm 68:19
Blessed be the Lord, who daily bears our burden, the God who is our salvation.
Verse 14
Psalm 121:1-4
I lift my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth. He will not let your foot be moved; he who keeps you will not slumber. Behold; he who keeps Israel will neither slumber nor sleep.
Lord, teach me your truth as I meditate on your word!
Friday, April 15, 2011
Verses 7 and 8
Well, here we are half way through April. The beginning of the month I had the wonderful opportunity to attend LPL (living proof live) in Fresno. Beth spoke from James 5. I found so much that I could identify with in her talk. It was encouraging to focus on where God has me at this time in my life. At first I thought that I was between the rains (rains of blessing) in the valley of wait, but upon further reflection I realize that I am in the midst of rain in somes ways and waiting in others.
I really wanted to cement the truths that I received that weekend so decided to memorize James 5:7-11 for the month of April.
Here goes:
James 5:7-8
Be patient therefore brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.
James 5:9-11
Do not grumble against one another brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold the Judge is standing at the door. As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.
I have to admit that my memory work is not coming with ease this year. I've procrastinated and have had marshmallow brain it seems! Just having a much harder time getting the verses to "stick". But I've decided to not condemn myself about it. I am meditating on the verses and trying to plant them in my heart. God's Word in me will not come back void. He will produce a harvest in me. I am humbled by His love for me.
I really wanted to cement the truths that I received that weekend so decided to memorize James 5:7-11 for the month of April.
Here goes:
James 5:7-8
Be patient therefore brothers, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, being patient about it, until it receives the early and late rains. You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand.
James 5:9-11
Do not grumble against one another brothers, so that you may not be judged; behold the Judge is standing at the door. As an example of suffering and patience, brothers, take the prophets who spoke in the name of the Lord. Behold, we consider those blessed who remained steadfast. You have heard of the steadfastness of Job, and you have seen the purpose of the Lord, how the Lord is compassionate and merciful.
I have to admit that my memory work is not coming with ease this year. I've procrastinated and have had marshmallow brain it seems! Just having a much harder time getting the verses to "stick". But I've decided to not condemn myself about it. I am meditating on the verses and trying to plant them in my heart. God's Word in me will not come back void. He will produce a harvest in me. I am humbled by His love for me.
Sunday, April 10, 2011
Sounds In My World
Clock ticking.
Computer fan running.
The melody of windchimes.
Tinkling of my cat's collar bell.
Walls creaking.
Neighbor cheering.
Sirens blaring.
Cat yawning.
Phone beeping.
Me breathing.
Worship songs playing.
Refrigerator cooling.
Airplanes flying overhead.
My world can be so noisy. Amid the many different sounds that fill my days, the sound that I long to hear the most is the one that only comes when I slow myself down long enough and quiet my heart.
The sound of my Saviors voice.
Computer fan running.
The melody of windchimes.
Tinkling of my cat's collar bell.
Walls creaking.
Neighbor cheering.
Sirens blaring.
Cat yawning.
Phone beeping.
Me breathing.
Worship songs playing.
Refrigerator cooling.
Airplanes flying overhead.
My world can be so noisy. Amid the many different sounds that fill my days, the sound that I long to hear the most is the one that only comes when I slow myself down long enough and quiet my heart.
The sound of my Saviors voice.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Verses 3,4, and 5
I've been out of the loop lately with the blog. Just have not had much to say but do want to make sure and document my experience with my scripture memory this year.
Verses 3 and 4 really focused my mind on being renewed and and how God gives me power to conquer those things in life that get in my way. It truly does all begin in the mind. I struggle so with what goes on in my mind. I do need the truth of God's word renewing the ugly lies that Satan feeds me over and over.
Will I ever gain victory?....Yes in Christ I will!
Verse 3:
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
Verse 4:
She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7
Verse 5 was taken from my recent readings in the book of Deuteronomy. It just really spoke to me about who God is and how I am to hold to him with all my might and will. And to acknowledge that He is my praise and MY God. Just realizing that I need Him so much and for some reason I find myself not turning to Him first.
Verse 5:
You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swer. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that you eyes have seen.
Deuteronomy 10:20-21
Verses 3 and 4 really focused my mind on being renewed and and how God gives me power to conquer those things in life that get in my way. It truly does all begin in the mind. I struggle so with what goes on in my mind. I do need the truth of God's word renewing the ugly lies that Satan feeds me over and over.
Will I ever gain victory?....Yes in Christ I will!
Verse 3:
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
2 Timothy 1:7
Verse 4:
She will have no fear of bad news; her heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord.
Psalm 112:7
Verse 5 was taken from my recent readings in the book of Deuteronomy. It just really spoke to me about who God is and how I am to hold to him with all my might and will. And to acknowledge that He is my praise and MY God. Just realizing that I need Him so much and for some reason I find myself not turning to Him first.
Verse 5:
You shall fear the Lord your God. You shall serve him and hold fast to him, and by his name you shall swer. He is your praise. He is your God, who has done for you these great and terrifying things that you eyes have seen.
Deuteronomy 10:20-21
Saturday, January 15, 2011
SSMT Verse 2
Well, here we are on the second posting of a verse for the SSMT (siesta scripture memory team). I had a harder time this go round of chosing a verse that spoke to my life. I spent a considerable amount of time this morning searching and searching for a verse. Usually, God gives me a verse without much trouble but this time that was not to be. I don't know why...could blame it on my weird mood lately...kind of disconnected. But I am learning that nothing is wasted when I give it to God and I've been trying to give those feeling over to him.
He is so good to me and I know that He is molding me into His image. Working on my character and producing hope within my heart. I almost chose to memorize the verse from Romans 5 that says that suffering produces endurance and that endurance produces character and that character produces hope. What I love is that it goes on to say that hope does not put us to shame (or as another version state, does not disappoint) because God's love has been poured into our hearts. I just may have to really meditate on this verse too!
But, alas, the verse that I've chosen to marinate in for the next two weeks is this:
No distrust made him waver concerning the promise of God, but he grew strong in his faith as he gave glory to God, FULLY CONVINCED that God was able to do what he had promised.
I chose this verse because I need to be reminded that my faith is a constant and daily choice. I have to chose to trust God with everthing in my life each and every day. Sometimes, each and every hour. And on occasion, each and every minute.
I will confess, I struggle with distrust. Distrust of people and sadly enough, distrust of my Lord. I am trying so hard to trust Him with everything but it is hard. I think that it is in part connected to injuries of the soul that we all experience but I also think that it is connected to my sinful heart at times. I just don't want to trust God because trusting God means giving up what I want. It is a walk toward less and less selfishness. It is something that I do desire but really, the sinful man within me fights it.
God has made me a promise, one that involves my blessing, my freedom, my healing. If I would but trust him and not waver in my faith, I will become fully convinced that He will prove himself faithful!
Lord do it!
Sunday, January 2, 2011
SSMT Verse 1
Lord Jesus,
You promise to keep me in perfect peace when my mind is focused on you. I pray Lord, that in this new year I would have a mind that is stayed on you and that as I learn to keep it focused on you that you would build my trust in you.
You are good to me and I know that you are my rock. Help me to lean on you and you alone.
Amen
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